Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
well you can't waste a boner
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
