Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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