I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He better not be in your backpack
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
