He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
