The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize