I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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