i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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