Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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