Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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