I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Randomize
