just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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