i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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