I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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