dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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