I am spending my child support on dildos
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
