Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
