I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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