Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
