Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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