i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
