Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
