Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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