she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
