hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
