she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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