Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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