Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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