Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
