DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
