one word: firstdatebathroomanal
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
