My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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