I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
