1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I will die if light touches me.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize