just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
