I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
