I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
