I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
