So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
