Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
