the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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