Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
