You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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