I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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