Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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