His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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