I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
