I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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