you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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