Apparently you make a good broom.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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