No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
