So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
