My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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