i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
