How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
