Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
