WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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