Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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